friends

Writing my Dad

So tomorrow is Father's Day and I neglected to send him SOMETHING. But its all very limited since he's in jail so I guess I'm suppose to write him. And all I can think is how fucked up this is. I'm just a little angry about having to write him. It's like I have to feel so sorry for him. and yes I do love him and I do feel bad about him being in jail but I'm just trying to write him and have no idea what to say. "hope youre well" "miss you!" "my life is busy" "I'm looking for a job" I mean what am I supposed to say?!?!?

I don't even think I can send him a card because of all of the security stuff. So FUCK......I just realized I need to send something to my Uncle Tom for Father's DAY!!
Help me ya'll!!!!

Please!

Here's my episode on Fake It Till You Make It

http://www.hulu.com/watch/155498/fake-it-til-you-make-it-never-sleep-with-the-fans

Serendipity

I have to start writing my book because my life is beyond just coincidence. The universe is just THROWING me signals left and right! What does one do with all of it?!?!

My Vent

So my aunt just called me and told that my father sent her a letter that had her extremely distraught. "He doesn't sound well." She then proceeded to tell me that I needed to write him a letter because he's worried about me.
Now here's the deal, I'm focusing on A. B. C. and D. Trying to survive and make it. My father made HIS mistakes and I shouldn't be the one to feel bad about them and be accosted to write him because he's unhappy in jail.
Right now I'm trying to get a job that actually pays and supports me. I trying to work as an actor and just really keep my head up above water. I can't worry about my father. He's sentenced to 7 years and has 2.5 already.
I love him to death Lord knows I do, but what am I supposed to say at this point and why am I in trouble or a bad person for not writing him?
I didn't make the decision to do crack, break the law multiple times, and hurt the ones I love. So yeah jail is gonna be tough and for my aunt to dump all of this on me just pisses me and actually hurts me even more.
Right now I just feel like telling some folks to beat it! I just wanna be happy! And I will be!

On another note. I got approached by a handsome guy today while taking a walk. He joined me on the walk and was a gentleman until he said "I had a dream last night and the girl in it looked like you, we were having amazing passionate sex" I said "well oh no that definitely wasn't me!" But he still took the walk with me and at the end I noticed his fingernails. THIS GUY HAS Chipped nail polish on them! I freaked and had no clue on what to say. I was trying my hardest to bail and finally I found a way out! I had a meeting. That was that and I was out!

MB and I have been communicating a lot. I really don't know where we stand but I'm absolutely crazy about him! In my visions on the future I totally see us being on the red carpet and titled "Hollywood's Newest Power Couple"
I mean that to the fullest. He's so talented and so passionate that if just makes me wanna be better and go even further. That is the only way that we can be together. We can't be baggage for each other because we both have big dreams and big moves!
But I miss him and I just wonder if he feels the same way. Who knows...I could be playing myself all over again. Same game different name right? But for some reason this definitely feels different.

Ah life

Vie cest belle!

Ciera Payton

Had to share this

Well I'm not sure if anyone is reading my blog. Like I said its my online journal.....BUT here's Jaleel White's new webseries FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Enjoy!

Wow what an amazing past few days. My eyes are open and I'm fully
inspired. And yet still have many questions unanswered. Mb left today
and that was very hard to let him go. But I really have to be pratical
for the both of us. I have full plate but he had 2 full plates.

It's tough being 24 following you're dreams and building a foundation.
All I can say is that I'll wait for him regardless of if he waits for
me.

But he def keeps me motivated and makes me wanna be better. That's
more than what I could ask for.

C'est la vie!

Ce Cee

Sent from my iPhone...that's why there's typos and crazy grammar!

www.cierapayton.com

My epiphany

The other night a friend of mine wanted to "talk about us" immediately
my heart wanted to jump out of my chest and I wanted to jump out of
the nearest window.

It was soo contradicting of what I've been telling people and saying
what I wanted relationship wise.

I could hear myself saying "I want someone who understands me and
respects me and that can take care of me..." but in all actually I
don't THINK I want commitment right now.

Ok so I love my independence and being to myself whenever I want. I
love not having to report to any man or feel bad about checking
someone out. I mean yea I miss sex but I can definitely do without it.

But what I realized is that I'm not ready to stop what I'm doing to
focus on anyone else's needs. And I think this is why I got so mad at
my ex for wanting to be with me. To me when a guy wants to pursue
something with me I equate it as them being selfish. To selfish to
understand where I'm at and what I want. I mean right now if I were to
be anyone I would only give about 10% of myself. Some affection, a few
insights of my life, and some of this body and that's it. The rest of
it is going into acting and pursuing my dreams.

So this now brings me to MB...someone who's in the same exact boat as
me but makes my skin tingle when I think of him. But he's just as
confused. I believe he wants me but doesn't want commitment and at the
same he doesn't want anyone else to have me.

But it's cool though. I like it this way because the strings are so
loose. And therefore my feelings don't get 100% invested. We can both
do what we have to do and make names for ourselves and figure it out
from there.

I'm comfortable doing what I gotta do to really make it. And everytime
a man gets in the picture my dreams go on the back burner. NO MORE!

Like Que Duong and I were saying that if it were meant to be in our
lives to have love, kids, and marriage the that would have happened
to us already. I mean considering
the fact that I'm 24...I know that it's normal to be where I am but
most of my friends are settled some with children already.

I think Im meant to do something different with my life.