My epiphany

The other night a friend of mine wanted to "talk about us" immediately
my heart wanted to jump out of my chest and I wanted to jump out of
the nearest window.

It was soo contradicting of what I've been telling people and saying
what I wanted relationship wise.

I could hear myself saying "I want someone who understands me and
respects me and that can take care of me..." but in all actually I
don't THINK I want commitment right now.

Ok so I love my independence and being to myself whenever I want. I
love not having to report to any man or feel bad about checking
someone out. I mean yea I miss sex but I can definitely do without it.

But what I realized is that I'm not ready to stop what I'm doing to
focus on anyone else's needs. And I think this is why I got so mad at
my ex for wanting to be with me. To me when a guy wants to pursue
something with me I equate it as them being selfish. To selfish to
understand where I'm at and what I want. I mean right now if I were to
be anyone I would only give about 10% of myself. Some affection, a few
insights of my life, and some of this body and that's it. The rest of
it is going into acting and pursuing my dreams.

So this now brings me to MB...someone who's in the same exact boat as
me but makes my skin tingle when I think of him. But he's just as
confused. I believe he wants me but doesn't want commitment and at the
same he doesn't want anyone else to have me.

But it's cool though. I like it this way because the strings are so
loose. And therefore my feelings don't get 100% invested. We can both
do what we have to do and make names for ourselves and figure it out
from there.

I'm comfortable doing what I gotta do to really make it. And everytime
a man gets in the picture my dreams go on the back burner. NO MORE!

Like Que Duong and I were saying that if it were meant to be in our
lives to have love, kids, and marriage the that would have happened
to us already. I mean considering
the fact that I'm 24...I know that it's normal to be where I am but
most of my friends are settled some with children already.

I think Im meant to do something different with my life.